Washington Professional Football Franchise Celebrates 85th Year Of Being Allowed To Call Itself “Redskins”.
BP Asks David Copperfield To Make Oil Slick Disappear
Rip In Time Discovered At Department of Motor Vehicles
Scientists at the American Astronomical Society believe they may have discovered evidence of a rip in the space-time continuum which they have traced to the Department of Motor Vehicles license registration department on the first floor of the AAA building in St. Louis Park, Minnesota. The phenomenon, which they believe to be the first physical evidence of Einstein’s theory of time dilation, which purports that , theoretically, the closer we come to traveling at the speed of light (186,000 miles per second), the more time would appear to slow down for us from the perspective of someone who, in relation to us, was not moving. It was previously believed that the only place that this phenomenon could occur was in proximity to a black hole. Scientists at the AAS now believe that the energy and life that is sucked from any given group of 25-50 people waiting to renew license tabs on a muggy Thursday afternoon can, in fact, more than match the gravitational pull of a black hole and, as a result cause time to in fact slow down for all of the people inside. According to Sheila Gorham, Program Support Specialist at the AAS, “Until now, we had been reliant on computer models and mathematical algorithms to prove this theory. Now we have concrete, anecdotal evidence that time has actually slowed down for people; and we know where it’s happening.” AAS scientists are hoping to learn more about the effects of time dilation on employees at the DMV, who have a much more prolonged exposure to its effects, but as this story goes to press, researchers are stuck in line with number 437, and they’re only on number 92.
Republicans Propose Drilling For More Republicans
Don Young (R, AK), Ranking Minority Member of the House Committee on Natural Resources has introduced a measure calling for increased domestic drilling for "America's vast untapped reserve of Republican voters." The measure, which has yet to make it out of committee, would immediately open 2.5 million acres in swing states for exploratory drilling for subterranian Republicans. "We have known for years that hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions of registered Republicans are living full productive lives somewhere between 1,500 and 3,000 feet beneath the earth's crust, " said Young today from floor of the House of Representatives. "Every day that passes without our tapping into this resource is a day in which American wastes it's own potential." Young, who had recently returned from watching "Journey To The Center Of The Earth", described a fantastic underground civilization filled with giant mushrooms, monsters, dinosaurs and right wing ideologues. Committee Chair Nick J Rahall II (D West Virginia) was highly critical of the plan, citing high costs, environmental concerns, and raising questions over the advisablility of extracting new Republicans from the ground and introducing them into the environment, "not to mention, what are you going to do with all of those damn dinosaurs?" Young hopes to bring the measure to the floor for a vote later this week.
Shepard Smith Thinks "Journalism Is Cool" After Seeing Movie About Journalists.
Fox News anchor Shepard Smith, in an interview with a local radio station today, revealed that he has "just heard about this 'journalism thing' and thinks that it's "really cool!" Smith, better know as "Shep" who is known for his off-the-cuff; we're-just-chatting-over the-backyard fence, type of news delivery, told a reporter from WBLY radio in Lindstrom, Minnesota today that, "A friend took me to a film festival yesterday and we saw 'All The President's Men', and, I mean, this thing blew me away! I had never seen this movie before. It's about these two newspaper reporters for the Washington Times, or the New York Post, or something like that, and there's this guy Nixon, or Dixon or something, who's this really badass president. He's just running around, using the FBI to spy on his political enemies, and bugging Democratic Party offices, and stuff like that. And this is the part that really gets me; these reporters, Woodale and Bergstrom, I think, I don't remember, you know, but it was Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford, they do all of this crazy stuff, like interviewing sources, looking at bank records, visiting the library, and talking to people on the phone. They take the President DOWN, man! My friend told me afterwards that what they were doing was called 'journalism'. He said it was kind of like what we do at FOX News. I wasn't so sure about that. I mean, in the movie, every story had to be confirmed by at least 3 sources, otherwise they wouldn't run it. We don't really have time for that at FOX. How could I have scooped everyone and reported on the death of the Pope before he died if I had to look for things like sources!? Anyway, I get pretty stoked when I see a good movie. How do people come up with such imaginative ideas? Who knows, if I ever leave FOX News, I may give this 'journalism' thing a try."
Tea Party Bloggers Placing Strain On Nation’s Supply Of “Shift”, "Caps Lock” Keys
Proposed Construction Of International House Of Pancakes Near Ground Zero Sparks Controversy
Goldstein repeatedly called for order, reminding the unruly crowd that the board was only voting on approving zoning permits for the restaurant. The issue has already caught the attention of politicians. Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman has called for a congressional investigation into DineEquity, Inc. parent company of IHOP. “I think it’s only fair to ask ‘who are these people, and what are they doing in our country?’ said Lieberman, over a stack of pancakes with a side of hash browns. Lieberman also questioned the patriotism of IHOP, citing its “Viva La French” French toast eggs and bacon combo. If it were me, I would say, “Viva La America.” As a gesture of solidarity with IHOP opponents, Lieberman did not leave a tip.
Chrysler Recalls 2008 Dodge Chargers For Failure To Protect Against Plummeting Suicidal Actors
Joe Barton Rescues Hayward From Dangerous, Oily Senate Hearing
Fox News Will Use Cutting Edge Technology To Overestimate Size Of Crowd At Beck Rally
Not satisfied with “the unreliable old methods” of grossly overestimating crowd sizes for its news reports, Fox News announced today that it will employ a sophisticated computer model to give more consistent, reliably inflated crowd estimates when covering conservative rallies. The network announced today that it will unveil the new method during it’s coverage of Glenn Beck’s August 28th, “Restoring Honor” political rally at the Lincoln Memorial. Fox News spokesperson Irena Briganti said, “Here at Fox, we try to use every resource available when it comes to misleading the public and misrepresenting the facts. From here forward, every Fox News story about an event in front of a large crowd will use an advanced mathematical algorithm, computer modeling and CGI computer simulations to give our viewers the most wildly inaccurate crowd estimates possible." Briganti said that Fox arrived at its new method after a thorough review of last year’s April 15th nationwide tea party day, when it concluded that the network underperformed when overestimating the size of the crowds at the rallies. It was at that time when Fox began the process of implementing the new methodology; the same type used by many major corporations when overestimating their profits. “I’m very confident,” said Briganti,” that Glenn Beck will have a HUGE crowd at his rally.”
Planned Quran Burning Has Desired Effect as Bin Laden Turns Himself In, Al Qaeda Surrenders, U.S. Wins War On Terror
Anti-Government Themes Becoming More Prevalent At Little Girls’ Tea Parties
While the reasons for this trend are not fully understood, there is some anecdotal evidence which points to the possibility that young girls are being influenced by high profile Tea Party advocates such as Sarah Palin and Michele Bachman. Palin, a former “Miss Wasilla” beauty pageant contestant, and Bachman, a strikingly attractive social conservative and government conspiracy buff, are very appealing role models for impressionable young girls. Mimsy Pimperton, mother of 8 year old Barbie Pimperton who is planning her “The Tree of Liberty Must Be Watered With The Blood of Patriots and Tyrants” party said, “When you look at how pretty Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann are, you can understand why a little girl would want to dress up in a frilly dress and a founding father’s wig and pretend she’s protecting the sanctity of marriage; or that Barack Obama is a secret Muslim”. Recently the youth tea party trend received some bad publicity when a few second graders attending an “Extend The Bush Tax Cuts” party threw a brick through Nancy Peloci’s office window. To date, this had little or no impact on the popularity of the anti-government tea parties, as retailers report they are struggling to keep up with the demand for children’s Uncle Sam hats, fife and drum sets, and small caliber weapons.
Obama Asks Lady Gaga To Step Down After Controversial Rolling Stone Interview
Germanotta. In the Rolling Stone article, in which Gaga gave reporter Michael Hastings almost unprecedented access, she was quoted as saying,"Why are we still talking about 'Don't ask, don't tell'?" ..... "It's like, what f***ing year is it? It makes me crazy!" The comments caused a swirl of controversy around Washington as pundits, members of congress and White House officials weighed in on how the administration should respond to the remarks. Ultimately, most agreed that Obama's only viable option was to ask for Gaga's resignation. White House press secretary Robert Gibbs announced that Christina Aguilera will be named as Gaga's replacement, pending Senate confirmation.
In a related story, General Stanley McChrystal resigned from his position as commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan after controversial comments attributed to him in a Rolling Stone article.
Target Field To Employ "Lung Power" Of Upper Deck Fans To Purify Air For Lower Deck Fans
Report: Consumer Confidence Down, Along With Consumer Self-Esteem
Zombie Institute Study: America Lagging In Production Of Brains
Washington- A study released Friday by the Institute of Zombies, Ghouls and the Undead concluded that the United States is now lagging behind most nations in its production of “delicious, juicy, fat brains.” The study, published in this month's Journal of American Medicine under the title, ‘BRAINS! BRAINS! NEED MORE BRAINS TO EAT!,” cited several reasons for the marked decline in brain quality, size and quantity, including failing public schools, eight years of Republican fear mongering, and FOX News. Several countries, including China, Russia, Canada and India are now producing brains significantly more succulent and tasty than those being produced in the U.S. according to the study, which took place over an eight year period and involved hundreds of volunteers who were paid $14 an hour to answer an involved questionaire and then to have their brains sucked out by zombie doctors. White House press secretary Robert Gibbs gave a brief statement in repsonse to the study, saying that "America's brains are second-to-none. President Obama and his Administration are confident that any temporary decline in brain production will turn around once we pass our economic stimulus package."
Cheney Recieves Surprise Visit From His Conscience
Washington- Former Vice President Richard Cheney was paid an unexpected, unscheduled visit by his conscience late Saturday night. According to sources close to Mr. Cheney, the Vice President was about to retire for the evening when his conscience, which had recieved a temporary security clearance to enter the Vice Presidential home on 34th St. and Massachusetts Ave. in Washington, made its surprise appearance. "None of us were in the loop, that's for sure," said Dana Perino, former White House Press Secretary, at her Monday press briefing. Perino went on to describe the visit as "amicable." She said, "We believe that this is a very positive first step in the process of bringing the former Vice President and his conscience toward and agreement that would benefit both parties." Perino said that during the visit, which lasted less than an hour, Mr. Cheney's conscience reminded him that the deaths of over 4,000 U.S. soldiers and hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians occured in no small part because he deliberately gave misleading information to the American public. His conscience also told him that he had cheerfully supported torture, helped to out a covert CIA agent, aided corrupt war profiteers, stood in the way of energy policy reform, and shot a man in the face. According to Perino, "The Vice President had a very cordial, productive meeting." Mr. Cheney is reported to have slept like a baby after his conscience left. No further meetings are scheduled at this time.
McCain Launches "Scare Up Votes" Ad Campaign
Charles R Black, Jr., one of Presidential candidate John McCain's most senior political advisors, announced today at a hastily arranged press conference the launching of McCain's new "Scare Up Some Votes" campaign. Black, who in a recent Fortune Magazine interview said that a new terrorist attack in America would "certainly be a big advantage" to Senator McCain, told an assemblage of reporters that, "We know that fear will be very useful to us as we move closer to the general election. Americans are a very hardworking, industrious, paranoid people. It is our hope, moving forward, to be able to define more clearly to voters those things about which they should be very, very, afraid." Black added that "We know that there are many Americans who are afraid that our country will be attacked again by terrorists, and that's good. But according to our polling, that number is static. There remains a significant, stubborn group of people who refuse to be frightened by the specter of crazed islamo-fascist maniacs. Here's what else we know. Everyone is afraid of something." At this point in the press conference the lights began to inexplicably strobe, and Black threw back his head in what can only be described as maniacal laughter. After about 30 seconds the lighting was restored and Black continued, saying, "Look, people have all kinds of fears. We just want to make sure that we do all we can to communicate to the American voter how those fears relate to Barack Obama. Let's say you have arachnophobia, for example. We need for you to know that if you step into that booth on November 7th and vote for Barack Obama, you will wake up on November 8th covered with spiders. Or, worse, Obama might appoint giant, carnivorous spiders to his cabinet." Black said that the McCain camp is planning to release a series of "really creepy" ads, possibly directed by M. Night Shymalan, or Brian DePalma this fall, that will create an association between Senator Obama and, "You know, being buried alive, or being stalked by a headless ghost, or having the capitol gains tax rate raised by 7%, stuff like that." Black concluded the press conference around a campfire where he told reporters that a crazed psycho killer had just escaped from the State Penitentiary and was somewhere in the area.
McCain Accuses Obama Of Being Soft On Decapitation
In a sharp attack against his opponent Barack Obama, presumptive Republican Presidential nominee John McCain warned that an Obama presidency would "almost surely" lead to more decapitations like the one that occured aboard a Greyhound Bus near Winnipeg last month. Speaking at a town hall meeting in in Bloomington, Minnesota, McCain stated, "Under the strong leadership of the Republicans these past seven years, there have been zero decapitations on buses in the United States. If we turn the reigns of leadership over to the naive, inexperienced junior senator from Illinois, we will almost surely see a flood of mentally unstable men with hunting knives pouring into the country from Winnipeg to stab us repeatedly and to cut off our heads and to dismbowel us." McCain made this statement in response to a question from a Bloomington woman about farm subsidies. McCain stayed with the decapitation theme throughout most of the informal 90 minute session with a group of 250 Minnesota Republicans. When a Minneapolis man asked McCain about how he planned to address America's dependence on foreign oil, McCain replied, "I'm glad you asked that question. Under a President Obama, who refuses to consider offshore drilling, or drilling for our rich reserves of oil in the Alaska, we can be certain that rich, oil-producing nations like Saudi Arabia will repeatedly stab the American economy in the neck while horrified bystanders look on, and that hostile middle eastern nations like Iran will slice off the head of the American dream while disemboweling our economy." McCain's visit was well received by the partisan audience. "I feel good voting for John McCain," said Isabelle Van Richtoven of St. Louis Park. "I like his strong stance against decapitation. I don't really know what Barack Obama's postition is on the issue. He won't say anything about it. What is he hiding, anyway?"
McCain Announces Plan For "Lots More Surges"
In a position paper posted today on his website, presumptive Republican Presidential nominee John McCain laid out an ambitious plan to “employ surges in America to solve America’s problems.” The plan calls for large forces of American troops to be called in to tackle domestic issues, from the failing housing market to the struggling health care system. When asked to comment on the plan, McCain campaign manager Terry Nelson said, “This is a good example of why Senator McCain is the best choice to be the next President of the United States. He was the only candidate who supported the troop surge in Iraq. He staked his candidacy on it. Now that the surge is working, Senator McCain recognizes that if the surge worked over there it can sure as heck work over here.” The strategy, as described by Nelson, calls for the U.S. military to call in between 15,000-20,000 troops for each “domestic battlefield situation.” Nelson explained, “Let’s take the sub-prime mortgage crisis. The Senator has already drawn up a plan for two marine brigades to hit the Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation, secure it, and in concert with local authorities, retrain mortgage brokers so they better understand regulations requiring a non servicing banker to disclose the exact percentage of loans actually funded and serviced as opposed to sold or brokered.” Nelson also said that McCain planned to call up additional troops, if necessary, to “clamp down” on public schools not in compliance with the government’s No Child Left Behind guidelines and would “leave no option off the table” in the “War Against Increasing the Capital Gains Tax."
Palin Energizes Voters Who Hope McCain Will Die In Office
Core Republican voters, downtrodden for months over the prospect of voting for John McCain to represent their party in the 2008 presidential campaign, have been flocking back to the fold in record numbers; excited by the prospect of a McCain victory followed by a quick McCain illness and death, followed by a new era under a President Sarah Palin. A recent Rasmussen poll shows enthusiasm among Republicans for McCain has remained static for months, while the McCain/Palin ticket has rocketed past Barack Obama in every significant poll since the naming of Palin as McCain's running mate over two weeks ago. "Since Palin, in the role of Vice President, would have few actual responsibilities beyond providing the tiebreaking vote in the Senate and attending State dinners, the only conclusion we can draw from these poll numbers is that Republicans and many independents have been energized by the idea of Sarah Palin as President," said Republican campaign strategist Bob White. "Of course, that couldn't happen for eight years if John McCain were to live through two full terms." Interviews with many Republicans at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul seem to back up this theory. "I could never forgive McCain for co-sponsoring the McCain-Feingold bill, or the McCain Lieberman bill, " said Stan White, Republican delegate from Ohio. "I probably would have sat this election out if Sarah hadn't been on the ticket. But look at her! Look how pretty and ultra conservative she is! " White's sentiment was echoed by a large number of delegates, many of whom, out of respect for McCain's service to his country, expressed their hope that, should McCain die in his first term, that he go peacefully in his sleep. "It's not as though any of us want him to die a horrible, painful death," said Indiana delegate Alice White. "He already suffered so much in that POW camp in Vietnam. He's a loyal patriot who deserves the dignity of a quick anuerysm or a heart attack. Then....wow! Think about it! President Palin!"
McCain Gives Stirring Powerpoint At RNC Convention
Republican Presidential nominee John McCain gave an hour long powerpoint presentation in front of an audience of 20,000 at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul on Thursday. The presentation, titled "Wonderful Front Lawns Across America" consisted largely of photographs of nicely manicured lawns, most of which are owned by Mr. McCain or by the estate of his wife, Cindy. McCain emphasized to the crowd that he had put the project together by himself, using the Microsoft Office Powerpoint 2003 program which came with his computer's operating system. "My friends," stated McCain, "I ask you. Is there any other country on earth where every citizen, if he or she works hard and perserveres, can have the chance to own multiple homes in multiple cities? Homes with beautiful, nicely trimmed lawns like the one you see here in slide number seven? So many homes, in fact, that you can't even keep track of them all?" McCain's powerpoint was well received by the delegates in the hall. A spokesperson from the Obama campaign said that the presentation lacked any compelling graphics and sound effects and that McCain was far too conservative in his use of fonts.
McCain Camp Outraged Over Media's Middle Name Bias
The John McCain campaign is becoming increasingly vocal in it's contention that the media has shown an unfair bias in favor of Barack Obama's middle name during the 2008 presidential race. "I mean, come on! Enough is enough," complained Terry Nelson, McCain's campaign manager. "All you ever hear in the main stream media is 'Barack Hussein Obama this, Barack Hussein Obama that.' How many times have you heard mention of the name John Sidney McCain III? Not very often! If there was ever a more egredious case of media favoritism, I would like to see it." Using a pie charts, fact sheets, and brief puppet show, Nelson illustrated for reporters the negative impact the media's continued lack of attention to Senator McCain's middle name was having on his candidacy. Nelson was specifically concerned that come November voters named Hussein will outnumber voters named Sidney, particularly in swing states. Nelson then stated that the McCain camp has, in the works, a plan to launch a campaign to raise awareness that their candidate's middle name is Sidney. The plan includes the distribution of "John Sidney McCain III" t-shirts, photo appearances with Sidney Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins, a cook-out in Sidney, Nebraska, and a new policy of only speaking to reporters who refer to the Senator as "Senator John Sidney McCain III."
Did Saddam Hussein contribute money to Barack Obama's 2004 Senate campaign? This photograph suggests that he did!
Is Obama A Manchurian Candidate?
Conservative pundit Ann Coulter expressed the fear shared by many mainstream Americans when she suggested that Barack Obama may be some sort of "Manchurian Candidate." In an interview with CNN's Glenn Beck, she stated, "I think that what many voters will have to resolve is whether the man who won the Democrat Primary so impressively is really the candidate of change or is he just a remake of a movie from the 1960's? I mean, to put it another way, are we voting for the Audacity of Hope or for 'Flubber'?" Coulter continued, saying, "Really, it's worse than that. I think what Americans are truly wondering is, when they step into that voting booth in November, will they be voting for a Manchurian Candidate, for Flubber, for Son of Flubber, or maybe even Freaky Friday. This is something they should be asking themselves."
LOVE BOAT VETERANS SLAM OBAMA FOR NEVER GOING ON LOVE BOAT
Veterans of The Love Boat television show, which aired on CBS from 1977 until 1986, roundly condemned Presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama for never having appeared on the popular show, "not even in a cameo" during the program's successful 10 year run. "The late '70's and early 80's were a difficult time for our nation," said Gavin MCleod, who starred on The Love Boat as Captain Merrill Stubing, "and we at the Love Boat believe we helped Americans cope by providing them with a weekly helping of stale jokes, hopelessly implausible plot lines, and a seemingly endless array of washed-up television and movie has-beens. And where was Barack Obama during this time? Was he on the Aloha Deck, mixing drinks with Isaac? Was he on the Riviera Deck, helping Doc? Was he with Julie and Gopher, welcoming passengers? No. What was Barack Obama doing that was so much more important? He was graduating from college and working as a community organizer in a poor Chicago neighborhood. How elitist! Compare that to our Gopher. He served honorably as a House Representative to Iowa's Sixth Congressional District for 6 years, but not before serving honorably as purser on the Pacific Princess for ten years!
MCleod made his statements alongside actor Bernie Koppel (Doc) and Lauren Tewes (Julie) and Ted Lange (Isaac) at a press conference called to announce the formation of a political action group called "Love Boat Veterans For Truth, or LBVFT." The group's mission, according to MCleod, is to shed the light of truth on what really went on in Barack Obama's career from 1977-1986, and allow the American voters to see how Barack Obama shamefully shirked his service to the Pacific Princess, her fine passengers, and Aaron Spelling productions at a time when the nation needed him.
The Love Boat story has already gained some traction on cable news and sources from FOX News have hinted that they are planning to devote the next two weeks almost exclusively to this story.
Turns Out Holocaust-Denying Bishop Really Just Likes Denying Things
The controversy surrounding Bishop Richard Williamson, the formerly excommunicated bishop who has denied the severity of the Holocaust, has been tempered somewhat over the past few days as Williamson has revealed himself to be a person who likes denying almost everything. "I don't really think that my statements have really been that controversial," said Williamson, during an infuriating interview with the German newspaper, Der Speigel, in which he denied that the Hindenburg disaster was actually a disaster, ('"Oh, the humanity?'" I don't think so. More like, "Oh, the hilarity!"), questioned the account of the sinking of the Titanic ("I mean, she may have taken on some water; but sink? Where are the pictures?"), and rejected the notion of the 1969 Mets' World Series victory ("I'm pretty sure that the Cubs won the Series that year. After all, they were up 13 games in August."). It is believed that Williamson's penchant for denials was developed as a teen when he worked for the British equivalent of the Department of Motor Vehicles, where he worked in the Request Denial Department. Williamson also denied that the Americans won the Revolutionary War, that red is a primary color and that the Periodic Table of Elements consists of elements. Asked by the reporter if there was anything that he did believe, Williamson replied, "Actually, I believe that 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' really isn't butter. Have you tasted it? It doesn't taste like butter at all."
Girl Who Snubbed You Picks Obama
Indianapolis---Suzy Lee Finley, the stuck-up cheerleader who laughed at you five years ago when you asked her to prom, announced today that she is endorsing Barack Obama in the 2008 Presidential campaign. In a prepared statement, Finley said, “You didn’t really think I was going to endorse you, did you? Oh, that’s so sweet. I mean, I’m sure you’re really nice. I’m sure lots of people would like to endorse you. It’s just that I really couldn’t endorse someone who hasn’t learned everything about personal hygiene, you know? I think America deserves a president who smells really good all of the time and doesn’t have zits.” Finley ended her statement abruptly when she saw a group of her friends coming down the hall.
A spokesperson for the Clinton campaign quickly dismissed the endorsement, stating that it was “typical” that Finley would endorse Obama, and adding that Finley had “probably already endorsed half of the football team.”
Critics of Obama have already suggested that Finley’s endorsement will only serve to reinforce his reputation as snob and an elitist but several admitted on background that they wouldn’t mind being endorsed by Finley themselves.
CLINTON THREATENS TO KILL OBAMA!
In an unusual campaign strategy, Hillary Clinton implied that she, or perhaps someone who supports her candidacy, would likely kill her Democratic opponent Barack Obama, should he defeat her in the Democratic Presidential primary. "I'm not saying that anything is going to happen," said Clinton. "I'm just saying that people who go around making disrespectful comments like 'I have an insurmountable lead in delegates,' or, 'Michigan and Florida shouldn't count', people who say things like this should be very concerned about what might happen to them or to their family." I think that Mr. Obama has placed himself in a very precarious position here, and has some very important decisions to make that will have an impact on his safety and the safety of his loved ones in the near future." When asked pointedly by a reporter whether these comments were threats, Clinton demured, saying, "No, not at all. I just worry about Barack. June is, historically, a very dangerous month to be leading in a Presidential Primary. Look what happened to Bobby Kennedy. I also worry about the pressure that a person is put under when they have to endure the kind of stress to which a front-runner is subjected. You know what happens to people we know who are under stress. Look at Vince Foster. I just think that Barack and his family should think very hard about what happened to Vince Foster. I would sure hate for something like that to happen again."
Obama linked to Velvet Underground?
By now most people are aware of Barack Obama's links to William Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn, members of the notorius 1960's radical group the Weather Underground. Our sources close to the Obama campaign are now reporting that Barack Obama also has had ties to the Velvet Underground, the influential 1960's rock band spawned by the pop artist Andy Warhol. One of the band's more popular songs, "Heroine", raises the spector of ilicit drug use and immediately causes one to question whether Obama, with his reportedly close ties to founding members Lou Reed and John Cale, shares a similar attitude toward the the use of hardcore drugs and raises questions about Obama's commitment to continuing America's War on Drugs. Another popular Velvet Underground song "Walk on the Wild Side" may cause voters to wonder whether Obama is embracing an unwholesome lifestyle and whether he shares their mainstream values. And, of course, voters will always wonder whether Nico was selected to join the band for her singing abliity or because of her looks.
OBAMA'S GAUDY VICTORY MARGIN IN NORTH CAROLINA SEEN AS ATTEMPT TO HUMILIATE CLINTON
Raleigh- In a primary election victory in North Carolina on Tuesday Barack Obama defeated Hillary Clinton by such a large margin that he immediately drew criticism that he "ran up the score."
"Winning is one thing, but was it really necessary to win by more than 200,000 votes?," said Terry McAuliffe, Clinton's campaign manager. "I mean, come on. He needs to know when to call off the dogs." McAuliffe went on to compare Obama's "unnecessarily showy" win to "Terell Owens doing one of those obnoxious end zone exhibitions that mainstream, working Americans find so offensive. Imagine, if you will, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright shoving the ball in your face and taunting you and blaming America for the September 11 attacks and I think you have a sense of what Barack Obama did yesterday in North Carolina."
Continuing, McAuliffe pointed out Clinton's 18,440 vote margin of victory in the Indiana primary as "The type of measured, reasonable type of win that reflects the type of values in which most Americans believe.
House Votes To Give Bush "Time Out"
In a measure that is being hailed by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi as a "really tough bill", the House of Representatives today passed a resolution authorizing Congress to give President Bush a "time out'. The bill cleared the House by a 293-129 margin and goes to the Senate next week, where it is also expected to pass. "I think that today the people of the United States sent a clear message to this President that what he did is totally not o.k.," said Pelosi from the floor of the House. The highlight of the Bill, which was hammered out over the past two months by the powerful House Behavior Modification Committee, is a mandate requiring the President to "sit quietly for two minutes facing the wall thinking about what he did these past seven years." The Bill also will force the President to "Look at Congress in the eye" and say that he is "sorry." Although the bill recieved wide bi-partisan support, some Republicans were outspoken in their opposition to the bill. Michelle Bachmann (R) Minnesota, said, "I think that we risk doing real emotional damage to the President with this type of shaming, punitive measure. After all, the President was just being a president, that's all. He didn't really do anything that bad. So he launched a war on a country based on flimsy intelligence and was deliberately misleading to the press, congress and the nation when doing so. He was only 53 years old! He didn't know any better." Bachman's ammendment to the bill, calling for the President to recieve some warm cocoa and a nice hug did not make it out of committee. Pelosi, who soon after taking over as Speaker of the House had taken impeachment "off the table", said that most Democrats are hailing this as an acceptable compromise. "I think the important thing is that the President knows he was wrong, and promises he will do better next time." Reached for comment, a White House spokesperson said that "They can't make the President take a time out. They can't, they can't, they can't!" It is expected that President Bush will involk executive privilege in order to avoid the time out at least until after the end of his term.
JOIN US! SUPPORT GRRRR (GUAM REVOLUTIONARY RECOUNT RESISTANCE REBELS)!
STILL NO RECOUNT IN GUAM
Guam--- Ultra-liberal U.S. protectorate Guam voted in favor of ultra-liberal, elitist Democrat Presidential candidate Barack Obama in the Democrat primary several months ago. The 2,264-2,257 margin came as no surprise to those who know Guam as an island nation that considers itself too good to be a member of the United States of America, but still has the gall to vote to select a candidate for our highest office. In another example of its arrogance, Guam has refused to conduct a recount. We cannot accept Barack Obama's Democrat Primary victory over Hillary Clinton until this matter is resolved.
IF ELECTED, WILL OBAMA BAN WHITE THINGS, LIKE THE WHITE STRIPES?
As an influential Senator from Illinois, what did Barack Obama do to prevent the cancellation of the American leg of the White Stripes' 2007 tour? He did nothing!