Super Bowl Report: Atlanta Falcons “Just Happy To Be Here”
Vikings Release Brett Favre’s 2010 Retirement Schedule
LEBRON JAMES APOLOGIZES TO EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR THOSE TERMINALLY ILL CHILDREN WHO ROOTED FOR DALLAS
Lebron James Signs With Manchester United of European Football League
Morneau Launches Series of Attack Ads Against Teixeira
In a related story, Tigers' first baseman Miguel Cabrera has filed a grievance with PBS over the network's failure to include him in the debate.
Phelps' Eight Golds Make ADHD Trendy Again
Kids across the country are scrambling to show symptoms of ADHD (attention defecit hyperactive disorder) now that ADHD diagnosed Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has won eight gold medals at the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games. "It's great to see that kids are taking an active interest in having short attention spans and being hyperactive because of the example set by Michael," said Mark Schubert, U.S. Swimming Team National Coach. "When a young person sees Michael standing on the medal podium, he realizes that, 'hey, maybe if I'm innatentive to my schoolwork, don't listen when spoken to directly, avoid or dislike things that take mental effort, lose things needed for tasks or activities, am easily distracted and am often forgetful in my daily activities, maybe I can win eight gold medals, too.'" Schools across the country are preparing for the anticipated flood of students presenting symptoms of ADHD by diverting funds to special education and by building olympic sized pools where they hope these students will spend most of their time.
American Citizen Realizes Dream, Attends 2008 Beijing Olympics
In an incredibly improbable story that "could only happen in America" U.S. citizen George W. Bush, originally of New Haven, CT, realized his lifelong dream of traveling to China to attend the Olympic Games. What makes Mr. Bush's story truly unique, however, is the route which he took to get there. Less than ten years ago Bush was an ineffectual Repulican Governor from Texas with a penchant for approving executions and no real understanding of the U.S. government, foreign policy, or economics. That didn't stop this plucky son of a former President from running against an incumbent Vice President and against the policies that had led to the country to peace and prosperity. During the long campaign of 2000, Bush showed time and time again; during debates, town hall meetings and interviews, that he was completely unqualified to be the Chief Executive of the United States of America. And here's where the story gets amazing. After losing the election by more than half a million votes, George Bush got to be President anyway! At a time when it looked as if he would never be in a position to visit China as the U.S. President, a series of amazing events, from elderly jews in Florida accidentally voting for Pat Buchanan when they meant to vote for Al Gore, to the U. S. Supreme Court blocking a recount of the vote, George Bush, this reluctant hero, kept his dream alive.
Read Part Two of this series- "Not Getting Impeached In The First Term"- next week.
China To Detain All Olympic Athletes Indefinitely, Apologizes For Any Inconvienence
The Chinese government annnounced today that all Olympic athletes, coaches, training personel, and all visiting press and athletes' family members will be required to remain in China beyond the end of the 2008 Summer Olympics. Chinese President Hu Jintao, speaking in front of a newly erected barbed wire fence that now encircles the entire Olympic Village, said, "We ask that you please bear with us." Jintao went on to explain that "The official responsible for issuing exit visas is feeling poorly and must take several days off to recover. For everyone's protection, we have arranged for security fencing and military personel to watch over the village and all of the wonderful athletes and competitors. We hope to make their extra time in China happy and useful. All Olympians will be offered a variety of re-education opportunites of which we strongly encourage them to take advantage." Jintao was interrupted several times by what sounded like shrieks and cries for help from behind the barbed wire, which he explained to be "athletes complaining of sore muscles after the strenuous games." He declined to take any questions, stating that any requests for information should be directed to Beibei, Jingjing, Huanhuan, Yingying and Nini, the official Chinese Olympic Mascots.
Favre, Packers Come To Terms On Murder-Suicide Pact
In a move designed to settle the ongoing issue of whether Brett Favre will be released from his contract, the Green Bay Packers and their Pro Bowl quarterback have reached a tentative agreement on a murder-suicide pact, according to Favre's agent Bus Cook. The deal, which is still pending league approval, will grant Favre an unconditional release from the final two years of his contract on the condition that he return to the team sometime during training camp to kill new starting quarterback Aaron Rogers and then himself in "some kind of dramatic, Shakespeare-type fashion," Cook said today in an interview with Shoppers Daily Magazine. In the interview, Cook said that Favre had balked at the Packer's first offer, which stipulated that he "take a long walk off a short pier ," and the Packers had been cool to Favre's counter-offer that the entire team, management and fans should "crawl into a hole and die." "I knew that the Packers owed Brett, a three time MVP, a better deal than that," said Cook. The team and Favre had been at odds for several months, ever since Farve, who announced his retirement last winter, expressed a desire to be reinstated as a player. After Packer General Manager Ted Thompson said that Farve, should he return, would not be offered the job as starting quarterback, Favre demanded to be released from his contract so he could play for another team. The Packers refused, not wishing for Favre to end his career playing for a division rival such as the Minnesota Vikings or the Chicago Bears. "What we had was an intractible situation," said Thompson, when contacted by the associated press to confirm the story. We love Brett. Green Bay loves Brett. We have always loved him, and we knew that if he ever played for another team, we wouldn't be able to live with it. That's why, regrettably, we have to do this. If we can't have Brett, then no one can."