LEBRON JAMES APOLOGIZES TO EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR THOSE TERMINALLY ILL CHILDREN WHO ROOTED FOR DALLAS
Planned Quran Burning Has Desired Effect as Bin Laden Turns Himself In, Al Qaeda Surrenders, U.S. Wins War On Terror
Lindsay Lohan Meets Twin Sister In Prison Cell, Hi-jinks Ensue
Vikings Release Brett Favre’s 2010 Retirement Schedule
Chrysler Recalls 2008 Dodge Chargers For Failure To Protect Against Plummeting Suicidal Actors
Proposed Construction Of International House Of Pancakes Near Ground Zero Sparks Controversy
Goldstein repeatedly called for order, reminding the unruly crowd that the board was only voting on approving zoning permits for the restaurant. The issue has already caught the attention of politicians. Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman has called for a congressional investigation into DineEquity, Inc. parent company of IHOP. “I think it’s only fair to ask ‘who are these people, and what are they doing in our country?’ said Lieberman, over a stack of pancakes with a side of hash browns. Lieberman also questioned the patriotism of IHOP, citing its “Viva La French” French toast eggs and bacon combo. If it were me, I would say, “Viva La America.” As a gesture of solidarity with IHOP opponents, Lieberman did not leave a tip.
Anti-Government Themes Becoming More Prevalent At Little Girls’ Tea Parties
While the reasons for this trend are not fully understood, there is some anecdotal evidence which points to the possibility that young girls are being influenced by high profile Tea Party advocates such as Sarah Palin and Michele Bachman. Palin, a former “Miss Wasilla” beauty pageant contestant, and Bachman, a strikingly attractive social conservative and government conspiracy buff, are very appealing role models for impressionable young girls. Mimsy Pimperton, mother of 8 year old Barbie Pimperton who is planning her “The Tree of Liberty Must Be Watered With The Blood of Patriots and Tyrants” party said, “When you look at how pretty Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann are, you can understand why a little girl would want to dress up in a frilly dress and a founding father’s wig and pretend she’s protecting the sanctity of marriage; or that Barack Obama is a secret Muslim”. Recently the youth tea party trend received some bad publicity when a few second graders attending an “Extend The Bush Tax Cuts” party threw a brick through Nancy Peloci’s office window. To date, this had little or no impact on the popularity of the anti-government tea parties, as retailers report they are struggling to keep up with the demand for children’s Uncle Sam hats, fife and drum sets, and small caliber weapons.
Obama Asks Lady Gaga To Step Down After Controversial Rolling Stone Interview
Germanotta. In the Rolling Stone article, in which Gaga gave reporter Michael Hastings almost unprecedented access, she was quoted as saying,"Why are we still talking about 'Don't ask, don't tell'?" ..... "It's like, what f***ing year is it? It makes me crazy!" The comments caused a swirl of controversy around Washington as pundits, members of congress and White House officials weighed in on how the administration should respond to the remarks. Ultimately, most agreed that Obama's only viable option was to ask for Gaga's resignation. White House press secretary Robert Gibbs announced that Christina Aguilera will be named as Gaga's replacement, pending Senate confirmation.
In a related story, General Stanley McChrystal resigned from his position as commander of U.S. forces in Afghanistan after controversial comments attributed to him in a Rolling Stone article.
Image Of The Virgin Mary Appears In Glenn Beck’s Tears
Fox News Will Use Cutting Edge Technology To Overestimate Size Of Crowd At Beck Rally
BP Asks David Copperfield To Make Oil Slick Disappear
Nation's Declining Math Skills Blamed For Errors In Studies Of Nation's Declining Math Skills
Tea Party Bloggers Placing Strain On Nation’s Supply Of “Shift”, "Caps Lock” Keys
Joe Barton Rescues Hayward From Dangerous, Oily Senate Hearing
Coming Soon To NewsPile:
CDC Report: U.S. Faces Possibility of Narcissism Epidemic.
Washington Professional Football Franchise Celebrates 78th Year Of Being Allowed To Call Itself “Redskins”.
Shepard Smith Thinks "Journalism Is Cool" After Seeing Movie About Journalists.
Fox News anchor Shepard Smith, in an interview with a local radio station today, revealed that he has "just heard about this 'journalism thing' and thinks that it's "really cool!" Smith, better know as "Shep" who is known for his off-the-cuff; we're-just-chatting-over the-backyard fence, type of news delivery, told a reporter from WBLY radio in Lindstrom, Minnesota today that, "A friend took me to a film festival yesterday and we saw 'All The President's Men', and, I mean, this thing blew me away! I had never seen this movie before. It's about these two newspaper reporters for the Washington Times, or the New York Post, or something like that, and there's this guy Nixon, or Dixon or something, who's this really badass president. He's just running around, using the FBI to spy on his political enemies, and bugging Democratic Party offices, and stuff like that. And this is the part that really gets me; these reporters, Woodale and Bergstrom, I think, I don't remember, you know, but it was Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford, they do all of this crazy stuff, like interviewing sources, looking at bank records, visiting the library, and talking to people on the phone. They take the President DOWN, man! My friend told me afterwards that what they were doing was called 'journalism'. He said it was kind of like what we do at FOX News. I wasn't so sure about that. I mean, in the movie, every story had to be confirmed by at least 3 sources, otherwise they wouldn't run it. We don't really have time for that at FOX. How could I have scooped everyone and reported on the death of the Pope before he died if I had to look for things like sources!? Anyway, I get pretty stoked when I see a good movie. How do people come up with such imaginative ideas? Who knows, if I ever leave FOX News, I may give this 'journalism' thing a try."
Fox News Successfully Lands Anchor Atop Desk
The Fox News Network announced today that it has become the first cable news network to successfully land a news anchor atop a desk during a live broadcast. Molly Henneberg, 35, of Falls Church Virginia and a seven year veteran at Fox News, touched down on the front left side of the Weekend Live desk at exactly 3:00 p.m. eastern time on Saturday. "This is a proud and exciting moment for all of us here at Fox News," said Roger Ailes, president of Fox News Network." Today's landing is the culmination of a controversial ten year project at Fox which has over the years seen its share of failure. In 2000, anchors Brit Hume and Shepard Smith were hospitalized after an attempted joint landing ended in a fiery crash. Many called for Fox to end the project in 2006 after CBS News successfully landed Katie Couric on her desk for a full 60 seconds during an evening broadcast. Ailes said today that the Henneberg landing was "a vindication for all of us at Fox News who worked so hard to make this moment possible, and a great way for all of you guys out there to check out Molly's gams."
Republicans Propose Drilling For More Republicans
Don Young (R, AK), Ranking Minority Member of the House Committee on Natural Resources has introduced a measure calling for increased domestic drilling for "America's vast untapped reserve of Republican voters." The measure, which has yet to make it out of committee, would immediately open 2.5 million acres in swing states for exploratory drilling for subterranian Republicans. "We have known for years that hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions of registered Republicans are living full productive lives somewhere between 1,500 and 3,000 feet beneath the earth's crust, " said Young today from floor of the House of Representatives. "Every day that passes without our tapping into this resource is a day in which American wastes it's own potential." Young, who had recently returned from watching "Journey To The Center Of The Earth", described a fantastic underground civilization filled with giant mushrooms, monsters, dinosaurs and right wing ideologues. Committee Chair Nick J Rahall II (D West Virginia) was highly critical of the plan, citing high costs, environmental concerns, and raising questions over the advisablility of extracting new Republicans from the ground and introducing them into the environment, "not to mention, what are you going to do with all of those damn dinosaurs?" Young hopes to bring the measure to the floor for a vote later this week.