National Security Advisor Flynn Resigns As Nation Now Completely Secure
Washington, D.C.--National Security Advisor Michael Flynn is stepping down from his position effective immediately as the nation is now completely secure, the White House announced today. In a two paragraph press release declaring “Mission Accomplished”, the Trump Administration claimed that Flynn, in his three weeks as the President’s National Security Advisor, “has completely buttoned up any outstanding concerns about the security and safety of the 318.9 million men women and children living in the United States.” The President, in a hastily arranged press conference, stated that “since the great success of the travel ban, my unprecedented crackdown on dangerous illegal immigrants, my move toward building the border wall, and my tough, but fair, talks with foreign leaders, we have guaranteed that the United States is safe, it’s so safe, believe me, it’s never been this safe before. Michael Flynn has been really helpful, too, but the truth is, we’ve done such a great job in our first three weeks that we don’t really need to worry about national security any more. I therefore have made the decision to accept Mr. Flynn’s resignation, on account of how very, very secure we now are.” When asked whether Flynn’s resignation was in any way connected to a December 29th phone call to Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak in which it is alleged that Flynn assured the Russians that then President-elect Trump would ease sanctions placed by then President Barack Obama against Russia in retaliation for Russia’s interference in the 2016 presidential election, once he took office, or whether Flynn had violated the Logan Act by, as a private citizen, attempting to influence the measures or conduct of a foreign government without the authority of the United States, Trump replied that, “I think that Logan is very overrated, and so is his act. No one cares about Logan, who is very weak. If Logan knew so much, then why did I win in a landslide?”
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Trump Blasts Highlights Magazine For “Fake Fun”, “No Purpose”
"Washington-- In a series of early morning tweets, President Donald Trump assailed popular children’s magazine Highlights for Children, calling it “so dishonest, they shouldn’t be allowed to publish.” Mr. Trump also personally targeted Highlights editor Christine French Cully, calling her “very much a weak Goofus” and questioning “if she is a patriot, why is her middle name French?” The source of the President’s ire appears to be a science video posted on the Highlights website which presents facts about dinosaurs which contradict the religious beliefs of many in the Evangelical Christian community who strongly supported Trump in the election. The video claims that dinosaurs lived for 165 million years and humans have only lived for 2 million years, and appears to show a 65 million year gap between the two. Most Evangelical Christians believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible, which would mean that dinosaurs and humans co-existed. The President, who was interviewed this morning by Fox News’ Sean Hannity, explained his stance by saying, “Look, no one really knows, o.k? Maybe dinosaurs died out 65 million years ago or maybe they died out 4,000 years ago. They didn’t have cameras back then, so it’s very hard to prove anything. Highlights is being very unfair by only presenting one side of the story. Also, have you seen Christine French Cully? Very overweight. How can she be sure of her facts if she can’t even take care of herself?”
Kellyanne Conway, Counselor to the President, also took to the airwaves Sunday to support the President’s position. Speaking to Chuck Todd on NBC’s Meet The Press, Conway defended Trump’s position on the magazine and offered her own criticism, stating, “Do you think it was ‘fun’ that millions of people lost their plans and health insurance and doctors under President Obama, do you think it’s ‘fun’ that 16.1 million women, as I stand before you here today, are in poverty with their kids? Has Highlights spoken out against any of that? No. Not a word. And yet, it says right on the cover that they are ‘For’ Children. Do you think it’s ‘fun’ that we’ve spent billions of dollars on education over the last eight years, only to have children stuck in schools that fail them every single day by giving them bad information about dinosaurs? And, Chuck, let me ask you, what exactly is Highlights ‘purpose’? Was it their ‘purpose’ to have been silent about the failures of Barack Obama for the past eight years; to say nothing about Hillary Clinton’s terrible failed strategy in Michigan? Was it their ‘purpose’ to ignore Donald Trump’s historic success and his landslide victory? Listen, Highlights for Children had better be careful about what they are doing. What exactly are they hiding from the American people in the hidden picture? "
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Coming Soon To NewsPile:
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Fox News Successfully Lands Anchor Atop Desk
The Fox News Network announced today that it has become the first cable news network to successfully land a news anchor atop a desk during a live broadcast. Molly Henneberg, 35, of Falls Church Virginia and a seven year veteran at Fox News, touched down on the front left side of the Weekend Live desk at exactly 3:00 p.m. eastern time on Saturday. "This is a proud and exciting moment for all of us here at Fox News," said Roger Ailes, president of Fox News Network." Today's landing is the culmination of a controversial ten year project at Fox which has over the years seen its share of failure. In 2000, anchors Brit Hume and Shepard Smith were hospitalized after an attempted joint landing ended in a fiery crash. Many called for Fox to end the project in 2006 after CBS News successfully landed Katie Couric on her desk for a full 60 seconds during an evening broadcast. Ailes said today that the Henneberg landing was "a vindication for all of us at Fox News who worked so hard to make this moment possible, and a great way for all of you guys out there to check out Molly's gams."